The Secret to Beating PND

I cried a lot.  It was post natal depression

 

For me this is how it started.  Everthing upset me, and very easily. The smallest thing would set me off in tears.  I didn’t really understand what was happening to me, all I knew is that I felt the worst I had ever felt.  I had a new baby and logically I could see that it should be a happy time for me, but it wasn’t...

I didn’t want to be left alone, I felt afraid.  It was  Post Natal Depression

 

Why was I feeling so scared? I felt as though something bad was going to happen. I didn’t really know who it was going to happen to or why I was imagining such tragedy, but the fear was very real.  Before having my second baby, I was a very confident and successful career woman.  How can having a baby change everything? In my mind I would try and tell myself not to be so stupid, “what are you so scared of?” I would say, but no matter how hard I tried to be strong, the fear was overwhelming. I didn’t want my husband to walk out the door to work each morning.  “Please don’t’ leave me “  I thought.  I had too much pride to tell him, so I tried to deal with it alone.

I felt anxious and suffered panic attacks . It was Post Natal Depression

 

Regular periods of feeling anxious made me want to run away and hide.  Everyday something small would trigger that dreaded feeling, where you feel like something has given you a fright and the adrenalin rushes through your body from head to toe. But unlike when you get a fright and that awful feeling disappears after a few seconds, this awful feeling stayed, and sometimes for hours at a time. “ Why was this happening to me” I thought?  “ How can I make this go away? I didn’t ask for this “!

I felt like a useless mother . It was Post Natal Depression

 

I couldn’t  concentrate on being a good mother.  I didn’t even feel like “me” anymore.  I had a 10yr old daughter as well as a baby. My 10yr old would try and talk to me but my mind was in another place. I was either feeling anxious or stressed or I was feeling very sad. Often I would think how terrible I am, and how I should be paying more attention to my daughters needs, so I then also felt guilty for being a bad mum.  Deep down I knew I wanted to do better, but I didn’t know how. I became a very angry mum, easily frustrated and yelling at my daughter for very trivial things. I could feel a battle going on within me, I had very angry reactions but felt so sad inside. I didn’t want to yell at her. I loved her. I burst into tears one morning when my daughter asked me to help her find her slippers. I think it was at this point I knew I needed help.

 

I was overwhelmed and unable to keep up with daily chores and housework.

 

 

 

 

 

Looking around my home every day, all I could see was mess and chaos. I didn’t know where to start. I had always been able to manage the cleaning, cooking, ironing etc etc. Now however, it all felt like too much. There was no way in the world I could get everything done that I used to, whilst living on little sleep and looking after the baby as well!  I cried doing the dishes. Some days I would spend all day thinking about what had to be done, and not do any of it. I would be upset with myself for wasting so much time.  Again I felt useless, I couldn’t even  organise my own home.

 I became cold and distant towards my husband . It was Post Natal Depression

 

I think it was a gradual process. Initially I was so tired all the time, and so exhausted .  With all the attention and time I had to devote to our new baby,  I didn’t have any time to spare to do some of the things I used to do for him that made him feel special.  They were only little things, like getting a beer and some snacks for him so he could sit and relax, or cooking up his favourite dinner and making a nice dessert. I guess they were small but important to him. He was always very understanding, but complained half heartedly, and I could tell he felt neglected. This really only added to me feeling  guilty. I felt as though I had very high expectations to please everyone, and was failing, badly. Being tired all the time progressed further into being angry and resentful.  I yelled at him for very trivial things too, like I did with my daughter. How dare he leave some crumbs on the kitchen bench. I had spent hours trying to clean up the house that day. Didn’t he appreciate all the things I do ? Couldn’t  he at least pick up after himself to make my life easier?  I found it hard to be affectionate. How could I show love to my family when I could no longer love myself.  I guess I was lucky that he stood by me.

I felt so alone , no-one could reach me . It was post natal depression

 

The days felt so long, and so lonely. I had so many people that cared about me and were concerned, yet they all felt so far away. It was as though I had an invisible bubble around me that no-one could get through. The nothingness I felt, so numb, and a feeling that I was sinking deeper and deeper into a black hole took over my life.  No-one had the power to make that disappear. The thought of living like this for the rest of my life terrified me.  I prayed that this could not be permanent. Where had I gone? How do I come back from this? What can I do before this gets too unbearable to go on?

I stopped going out – I didn’t want to answer the phone . It was Post Natal Depression

 

Socialising became a thing of the past. I turned down almost all invitations and made excuses until everybody stopped inviting me anywhere. I really just wanted to curl up and hide from the world.  Hibernating indoors, I just wanted to be by myself. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone. Through my eyes, the world was a very sad place to be.  I didn’t want to have to force myself to smile, pretend to be enjoying myself, or  talk about  how my life was going.  I often let the phone ring out and did not return many calls.  I felt trapped and isolated, but I was doing it to myself.

I didn’t want to wake up each day . It was Post Natal Depression

 

Every day I woke up I realised I was still living the nightmare. I did not want to get out of bed.  I no longer felt a longing or a purpose for life.  I had a family depending on me, and that became my sole purpose for continuing on day after day. I did not know how long I could do it for.

I started to wonder what life would be like for my family if I were no longer around.

I had secret thoughts.  I looked into my beautiful babys’ eyes thinking that she would be too young to remember me if I were gone. I knew my husband and older daughter would be devastated without me here. I had not had any thoughts of suicide but secretly I knew that I was getting worse. I did not tell anyone.

 

 

I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression . I found it hard to get help

 

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When I was first diagnosed with Post Natal Depression, I laughed and denied that it could be true.  It didn’t take me long to realise that maybe it was true, I had all the symptoms.  Doctors sent me off on my way with prescriptions for anti-depressants.  I did not want to go down that path.  I went from one doctor to the next looking for some other alternative. They all suggested medication. My husband made enquiries for me and found a PND support group that ran a 9 week course. Someone came out to see me, and confirmed again that I had a severe case of post natal depression, however the course did not start for another 6 months.  I felt as though I was on the brink of insanity. How was I to cope with this on my own for another 6 months ?!  People advise you to get help and then you can’t find any !

 

I wouldn’t wish Post Natal Depression upon anybody. If you are reading this because you have post natal depression, or your partner has post natal depression, or anybody that you care about has post natal depression, it’s time to get help.  I have written an ebook about my journey and the steps I finally took that resulted in a fast recovery .  Let me tell you that Post Natal Depression is only an illness, and a temporary illness that can be beaten. I wish I could have discovered these methods a lot earlier than I did.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Understanding of Postnatal Depression

10 Immediate Actions For Recovery

Recovery overview- why the 10 steps work!

My Story

A Special Note for You

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I care about your recovery and would like to hear about your progres. Please email me with your story, your questions, your fears or any comments you would like to provide. I will respond to your email as soon as I can. Email : shona@post-natal-depression.com

I wish you all the success in the world and a full, fast recovery.

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Your Friend & Mentor
Shona

                                                        ©2009 Shona Hicks